7/13/07

I just did a spreadsheet for the expenses on this trip. Wow! I spent a grand total of $1,388.13 not including the entry fee! We burned 180.71 gallons of gas at a cost of $504.78 averaging $2.79 a gallon. I'm not sure what that makes my “carbon footprint” for the weekend, but it has to be high! So, now I'll make a detailed report since I'm back at work and don’t have other things distracting me. First off, remember the other day when I said the road between the two hotels was the best eleven miles of my life? Well, compared to the Tail of the Dragon, it was crap! Ok, that is a bit harsh but the Tail was so supremely awesome that nothing can compare to it. I must admit though that the traffic did make the other road more fun due to (tee hee, doo-doo!) the fact that you could open it up more and have a good hoon. On the Tail you can hoon for a bit but you inevitably run into slower traffic. Honestly, why do Hardly riders go there if they are just going to putt along at half the speed of smell? Anyhoo, here’s what went down on Saturday. Pat and I got up and headed for the Tapoco. I got a good parking spot right near the front and we milled around for a bit. Around 0900 h they started rounding us up for the official drive up the Tail. A guy who was in the process of building a car hopped in with me since Pat was going to follow in the truck as a camera platform. Oh, there was a reporter and cameraman from Automobile Magazine there doing a story. They talked to me quite a bit on Friday and made it sound like my car will be mentioned at least in the article. I'm not holding my breath but, well, we’ll see. Where was I? Right, we took off up the Tail, over fifty Sevens in a row. It must have been a sight to see. I was fourth or fifth in line and we got some speed up in a few places. Now, you have to remember that the speed limit on the Tail is 30 miles per hour and you can have a pretty good time even going that slow. We probably hit 45 or 50 in a few spots on that run. Again, I must say that the Tail of the Dragon is, hands down, the greatest road I have ever driven. I began counting turns at what I believe to be the official start of the Tail but lost count at 110 after we passed the kid who had tried to eat a tree when his crotch-rocket went WAY too wide in a turn. About fifty turns later the cops went screaming by in the other direction. We got to the “top” and all stopped at a big roadside turnout. Oh, by the way, when I say things like “top,” “bottom,” “up the Tail,” and “down the Tail,” I'm arbitrarily making the crossroads of highways 28 and 129 the bottom and the other end the top. The elevation stays pretty constant actually. Ok, so we’re all at the “top” and we take a bunch of group pictures. We are dismissed to go do our individual things. Some folks go for long runs around the various roads in the area; some go up and down the Tail all day. Tony had offered Pat a spare pair of driving shoes so he, Pat, could drive my car around. We all headed back to the lodge. Well, there was a miscommunication somewhere. Tony and Dawn went back to Fontana while Pat and I went back to Tapoco. Pat never got the shoes and thus never really got to drive my car on Saturday. I felt a little bad about that. We hung out watching the rapids behind the lodge rise to a category four or five, whatever the hell that means. I only know that much because they told us the TVA (Tennessee Valley Authority?) was going to let water out of the dam upstream and there would be kayakers, rafters, and such invading the place on Saturday. At times someone would ask if I'd take them for a ride so I would. One of the folks was the reporter for Automobile Magazine. I tossed him the keys at the crossroads and let him drive back to Tapoco. He seemed to like the car and had nothing truly negative to say to my face. We’ll see what he has to say in print. Later, the photographer asked if I'd take him up the Tail so he could get some “action” shots of my car. I said, “Hell yeah!” and we took off. About halfway to the crossroads, he remembered Pat offering the truck as a camera platform and we turned back. We found Pat and another guy with a red and silver Seven, I'm sorry but I don’t remember his name. Another reporter/photographer asked if he could hop in with me and get some shots. I said “Sure.” I didn’t know he was a reporter, and feel like a douche bag now, because I was paying more attention to the guy in the back of Pat's truck than him. I answered all of his questions, but also made a comment about not screwing up my magazine shots when he went to take a picture of the other photographer taking pictures. I tried to make it jovial and playful, but I'm afraid I screwed that one up badly. He said he’d get my e-mail and such for more details but we got separated and that never happened. Looking back, I was totally a douche bag to him. Crap. On the way up the Tail, I was in the lead of the two Seven convoy. The photographer in Pat's truck waved me up on his rear bumper and got a ton of shots of the two of us. At the top, the other Seven took the middle spot and I tucked in on his tail. We drove back down that way and he took another ton of pictures. Back at Tapoco, Pat and I got separated and I headed back to Fontana to look for him. I dropped a deuce in our bathroom and then headed back to Tapoco. We ran into each other, not literally of course, at the crossroads and he followed me back to Tapoco. Now, at this point I must give it up for Pat's driving ability. He can pedal the hell out of that F-150 pickup! He could keep up with us on those roads when we were doing 4/10 in the Sevens. Now, that doesn’t sound all that impressive until Juan considers that 4/10 in a Seven is about 8/10 in a regular car. He was cooking in the truck! So, we headed back to Tapoco but for some reason I didn’t go 4/10 this time. I wicked it up to about 6/10 and left him in my wake. I'm not sure why, I just did it. Sue me. We got back and it was about time to head over to Fontana for the big group photo. Tony had shown up with the Elf shoes he was going to loan Pat. I tossed the keys to Pat so he’d have a chance to drive the Seven some. The guy I took up the Tail in the morning asked if I'd take his wife over to Fontana so I told him to ask Pat, as he’d be driving. They all agreed and hopped in. I got in the truck and followed them all back. We lined up for the big group photo, which can probably be seen on killboy.com under the date 07/07/07 if you want to take a gander at it. Pat asked me just how far the Seven will go on empty. Oops, I forgot about that. I looked at the odometer and determined they had another 40 or 50 miles of gas. We filled it up again on the way back. Tony, Dawn, Pat, and I hung out for a bit at the lodge and then moseyed up to the Quonset hut for dinner. They had the awards ceremonies and such and we all had a whale of a good time. After dinner we walked back to where the cars were parked and Tony handed me the keys to his car. I tossed him mine and we headed back to Fontana. His car was way cool. The V6 pulled like a freight train and his suspension was nice and tight. I liked it. We decided to hang out by the pool for a bit and that was where the wheels fell off of my discipline for reporting to y'all. Now, normally I'd quit here, well actually about forty lines ago, but since I've been so lax I'll continue. Sunday morning Pat and I got up and packed. We had agreed to meet Tony and Dawn for breakfast and did just that. We decided t go check out the autocross action in Maryville and load the Seven in the trailer there. This would give Pat the chance to drive the Seven “at speed” on the Tail. I almost insisted on this because I felt so guilty about him not getting much seat time in the car all weekend. He played it off with a statement like, “It is your car and your event,” but if I'd just wanted a body to come along and not help enjoy the car, I'd have brought mom. So the plan was I'd drive the Seven one last time up the cool twisty bit to the crossroads and he’d get in there for a trip up the tail. This is what we did. I let a Porsche in behind them and watched as they left me in the dust. Well, it had rained at some point on Saturday so that is figurative dust, you understand. At some point I saw the 911 again and began “reeling him in.” I figured I was so good with the truck and trailer that I was catching up until I saw the Hardly in front of them. “Well,” I thought, “that makes more sense.” The Hardly pulled off and the three cars took off again. After a while, I saw Pat and Tony pulled off on the side so I stopped too. They had gotten stuck behind another slow vehicle and decided to wait for me. We waited a bit and took off again. I think this happened once more before we got to the same big turnout where the group photos had been taken on Saturday morning. We all got out and had a chat. It was decided that we’d make another run back down. Pat stayed in my car and I rode with Tony. Dawn waited with the truck. This was the first time I got to see Pat hooning my car. He was flogging the hell out of it. Tony fell back since he wasn’t as willing to beat on his car as Pat was mine. We got back down to the crossroads and Pat hopped in with Tony so I could drive my car back up one last time. We got caught behind some slow car and pulled off. When we got going again, we had a pretty good hoon on when we got stuck again. Tony pulled off suddenly and I didn’t fell comfortable where they stopped so I went on. The Hardlies in front of me pulled off but the car that was really slowing me down didn’t. I finally got a clearing and shot past. I was going for a serious hoon now! I came upon a decreasing radius right-hander way too fast. I locked up the rears and got a bit prairie-doggie in the middle of the turn. It was then that I saw the group of Hardlies sitting there. I laid on the power and drifted right out of the turn as if I meant to be on the ragged edge like that. A few more turns and I knew I'd be back at the big turnout where Dawn was waiting. I also knew that there was a cop sitting there. Several bikes going the other way were signaling the cop’s presence so I slowed down. I pulled in and hopped out to talk to Dawn and wait for Pat and Tony. They arrived and we loaded the car into the trailer. We all decided to blow off the autocross and went our separate ways. We bid farewell to our new friends and headed towards home. Since we were on the north end of the Tail we decided to go ahead up to Knoxville and take I-40 home. We filled the truck in Knoxville and I took the driver’s seat. I drove us non-stop across Tennessee to almost Memphis. We had to stop for gas again. In Memphis we drove around downtown looking for food and finally gave up. We stopped in West Memphis, Arkansas at a Perkins restaurant. I ordered the raspberry tea, as I'm wont to do, and she brought a glass of something green. It wasn’t quite “antifreeze green,” but it was close. It tastes sort of like raspberry tea but was not quite right. The refill, yes I went ahead and drank it, was the same. Pat was scared for me and asked for a report on the outcome. I didn’t really notice anything amiss in either my pee or poop, and I survived, so I guess it was all right. We drove on to Little Rock and got a fleabag motel room for the night. Pat got online immediately and found a strip club nearby. I was tired and ready for bed but wasn’t about to be the one who pooped the party. We changed and headed out. We hung out with the two decent-looking dancers and each dropped $60.00 on a lap dance. I threw out way more than that in tips, of course, and we left about 0300 h. We got back to the motel and were crashed out by 0330 h. At 0600 h we were both wide-awake again and went ahead and got up and ready. We rolled out about 0630 h and I made the comment that we paid about $10.00 an hour for that room. The rest of the trip home was uneventful so I won’t go into detail. Besides, I'm now on page four of this particular rant and have to go have a Shaq Attack. I'll probably fill in more details about the early stages of the trip, the days I sent in short reports, next week. Have a day.