Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks. Why? I'll tell you later. First off, I want to say I didn’t get any of the things done on George that I said I would. Wait, no that isn't true. I did install the Hello Kitty horn button but I'll get to that later as well. Wednesday afternoon I cut out of here around 1500 h and went home. My brother and his family showed up around 1700 h or so and we hung out for a while talking about stuff and things and stuff. He pointed out the similarity of the new Will Smith movie, “I Am Legend,” to the “classic” Charleston Heston flick “The Omega Man.” Apparently “TOM” was a bad translation of the story “IAL” is based on. I now want to see “IAL” and then find the short story or novel or whatever it is based on. Yes, my brother and I are just exactly that geeky. Eventually we all went to Spring Creek for some barbecue. It was quite tasty. Back at the house we talked some more and then they left around 2000 h or so. Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks. I just wanted to get that out there again. Thursday morning I got up, showered, dressed, and went to see how I could help mom get ready for the big meal. She had bought a 5’ round table and wanted to put a 5’ rectangular table perpendicular to it with a 3’ square card table at the opposite end. She then wanted to seat eight around the round table, six around the rectangle, and three around the square for a total of 17 people. I laughed and told her, “Eight around a 5’ round is crowded when you can use the whole circumference. There’s no way to get eight around this setup.” “Oh,” she said, “they’ll fit.” They didn’t. We “fought” about it for a while until she came up with a very crowded arrangement that sat everyone almost at a common table. We continued setting up and getting ready and as time approached she asked who I though the first to arrive would be. I said, without any hesitation, “John and Jessica.” Mom said it would be my niece Amy since she had the furthest to come. Knowing my niece, I knew she’d be one of the last to show since she probably wouldn’t take the distance into consideration. About half an hour before anyone was supposed to arrive, I saw John and Jessica pull up. “They’re here,” I yelled to mom. “I lose by winning,” I went on to say. Now, I don’t like Jessica. John is tolerable and I don’t really have any dislike for him, but I just don’t have anything to say to him either. I stood in the breakfast nook and guarded the entrance to the kitchen to keep them out of mom’s hair. Have I mentioned that Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks? Oh yes, I see it up there. Eventually I saw another car pull up and announced, “We have Chinese!” Mom had invited four Chinese folks from the church for lunch you see. As they were being greeted by mom, the phone rang. I answered it and spoke to my niece, Amy. She had flipped her truck over the median of the highway but was fine. She still wanted to come over but now needed a ride. I said I'd be there as quick as I could. She was at Loop 12 and Texas Stadium. I didn’t know there was a Dallas Brokeback game that afternoon since soft-core gay-porn isn’t my thing. *Effeminate lisping mode on* “Ooh, look at all those big strong mens in their tight pants showing off their bulges! Ooh, and the extra padding to accentuate them is really hot too! Yes, reach in between his legs and caress his crotch before taking that oblong leather ball! Oh my! Pile up on top of each other in a wriggling mass of sweaty man-love!” *Effeminate lisping mode off* Yeah, it’s real manly how you fags wear all that padding to play what is basically Rugby. Also, Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks. Anyhoo, I tell mom that Amy has been in an accident, was fine, still wanted to come, and that I was going to get her. I downplayed the severity of the accident because a) I didn’t really know how serious it was since people tend to exaggerate when stressed, and 2) I didn’t want to upset mom unduly. As I was leaving, my aunt Margaret, cousin-in-law Georgia, and the two kids they had in tow showed up. I told them I was going to get Amy and would be back as quick as I could. I hopped in Fifi and took off. Fifi and Matilda were both out of gas but Fifi was out front whereas Matilda was around back. I wanted to make space for people to park. Ok, so I stop for gas in Fifi and head for Not Texas. About halfway there I thought about the gay-porn aspect of the situation. “I'll bet that was what caused the wreck,” I said to no one since I was alone in the cab of the truck. I contemplated calling John, that would be “my” John, Spiderman, not my nephew, to ask if there was going to be a Brokeback game. I didn’t because the knowledge wouldn’t have helped me any. Some knowledge that might have helped me would have been knowing that Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks. As I was pulling into Not Texas past the south entrance of DFW, Da Fort Worth International Airport, Amy called to say that she was being dropped off at the Whataburger at Carl Road and 183. That was a relief because by now I was sure there was a Brokeback gay-porn convention happening that afternoon and knew getting to the accident scene would be nigh impossible. I picked her up and we headed back to the Thanksgiving meal. Here’s the story I got about the wreck. The right lane was stopped because of the all the Miatas, VW New Beetles, and Cabriolets trying to get to Fairyland for the sodomy festival. Amy was tooling along in the left lane when someone realized they weren’t actually gay and decided to whip into her lane in front of her. She swerved to avoid the closeted queen and lost control. The truck, my old 1996 Ford Ranger by the way, flipped over the median into oncoming traffic and narrowly missed plunging into the Trinity River! I never saw the truck but do not doubt the fact that it was probably totaled. A nice couple from Austin stopped to help her out and called the authorities for her. She did actually seem ok so I didn’t hesitate to take her to the house for the Thanksgiving meal. We arrived about the time everyone was finishing up with dessert and grabbed some food. Everyone chatted for a while and eventually left. Amy, John, Jessica, and Peggy were the last to leave. Mom collapsed upstairs for a while and I took a nap in my chair. Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks but I'll tell that story tomorrow since it happened on Friday anyway.
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