11/27/07

So, does anyone want to know why Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks? They should, by the way. Here’s the tale of Ashley Furniture’s bag of dicks eating, need… to have. First, a little history, in my living room there used to be a sleeper sofa, two recliners, two little vinyl rolling chairs, a coffee table, two end tables, a deacon’s bench, and my big screen TV. The sleeper sofa was practically useless because to get anywhere in the house Juan has to pass through that room. It is a terrible place to try and put someone for the night. Now, my sister needed a sleeper sofa in the apartment in College Station so mom gave ours to her. One of the recliners was in pretty sad shape so we pitched it to the curb. No really, it was flat wore out and falling apart! The deacon’s bench got moved between the end tables to act as a sofa for the time being and the remaining recliner was moved to my spot. Ok yes, my fat ass broke the other recliner from years of use. Happy now? Where was I? Ok, so now we have a huge room with very little furniture. Mom says we’ll go look at new sofas after Thanksgiving. Well, we do that on Black Friday. Mom sees an ad for Ashley Furniture, who can eat a bag of dicks by the way, and suggests we go look there. I'm easy. We go and the sales dude runs us all over the store looking at various sofa and love seat combos. Mom is beginning to slow down when we find a sectional, I think that is the right term, in a greenish micro-fiber. It is available and she likes it. She buys it at 1230 h and then the first shoe drops. Delivery would be $75.00 or so. No big deal, I have a truck. “You are going to have to pick it up today,” he tells us. No big deal, we’re in the truck. “There is about a two hour wait for loading at the dock,” he says. Small deal, but we can live with it. “Go have some lunch and come back in a couple hours. It should be ready then,” he lied through his teeth. Here is where Ashley Furniture should start eating their bag of dicks. We leave. I call John to see if he’s available to help unload the things thinking it will happen in a few hours. He’s busy. Ok, I call Pat to see if he’s available but he doesn’t answer his phone. I take a nap figuring something will work out. Pat calls back and agrees to meet me there at 1430 h. 1415 h comes so I head for Ashley Furniture, who can eat a bag of dicks. I meet Pat and go to what is very loosely called “customer service.” She takes my receipt and makes a copy of it and the second shoe drops. “There’s about an hour wait for pickup,” she says when handing it back. “No,” I calmly say to her, “it was a two hour wait two hours ago.” “Well,” she goes on, “they are pretty busy back there.” “Fine,” I say. “So they will call me on the loudspeaker?” “Yes sir,” she lied through her teeth. Pat and I go for a stroll through the store. I'm assuming that my sofa and love seat have been moved to the warehouse for prep and am rather pissed off when I see it still sitting on the showroom floor. We sit down figuring they will come get it at any moment and we’ll then know to go get the trucks to the dock. Three hours later I ask one of the warehouse guys when they are going to get my stuff to the dock. “Have you checked in at the warehouse?” he asked. I told him I checked in at customer service and the third shoe dropped. “No, you were supposed to pull around to the dock after checking in with them,” he told us. Ashley Furniture should be about halfway through their bag of dicks right about now. I go back to the same woman at “customer service” to complain. “Let me make a copy of tha…” she began. I cut her off with, “No, you made a copy of this three hours ago when you said they would call me over the loudspeaker.” “Oh no,” she said. “You were supposed to go around to the dock and check in with them.” I explained that she never said anything about that and that I want to change it to delivery. “We can’t change that now,” she said. “Fine,” I told her, “cancel the order. I don’t want it anymore.” They cancelled it and we left. Someone asked us on the way out if we’d been taken care of and pat said, “If being made to wait for three hours for stuff we finally had to cancel and not pick up is your definition of ‘taken care of,’ then yes, we were.” I was so steamed I didn’t say a word to anyone. Ashley Furniture should just about be through with that bag of dicks at that point. I apologized to pat for wasting his afternoon and went home. I walked in and said, “Where do you want to go shopping for a sofa tomorrow that isn’t Ashley Furniture?” “What do you mean?” mom asked. I told her about waiting three additional hours for the stuff, which was never touched, and cancelling the order. She broke into tears saying she really liked that set and had spent all afternoon thinking about how perfect it was. I stand by my decision and refuse to apologize. They screwed me so I didn’t want their crap in my house. She had other thoughts. She drove back and spoke to a manager. She re-bought the stuff and arranged with them to pick it up Saturday. She came home and told me to leave Fifi so she could get someone from the church to pick it up. I called John and asked if he were willing to do it. He said he was since the guy he was meeting at the shop wasn’t coming until noon anyway. Saturday morning I head out the door to meet John at the shop. As I'm leaving I ask mom if she’s going to be there when we go to pick up the sofa and love seat. “I don’t think they’ll remember you and hold a grudge,” she says. I keep thinking to myself, “If you want your damned sofa, you might want to be there because I'm not putting up with their crap today.” I tell her, “I will be back here around 10:15 either with the sofa or to drop off the truck. If they say it will be one hour to pick it up, I am leaving.” I head for the shop. As John and I are getting in the truck to go to the store, she calls to ask where we are. I tell her we’re leaving the shop right then. “I can’t do anything without that receipt you are carrying,” she tells me. Apparently she realized I was not bluffing and came to the store to make sure she got her sofa. We parked and went in to find her sitting in a chair next to “customer service.” I refused to speak to anyone with Ashley Furniture, a bag of dick eating place, as I walk through. I hand her the ticket and walk away. She calls me to the counter and we’re told to go to the dock. She sends John in her car and rides in the truck with me. We back up to the dock and she waits in the cab while John goes in to talk to the warehouse lady. Then shoe number four drops. “There are three vehicles ahead of you that we have to load,” she says. “Can you move your truck?” I ask John for mom’s keys and say I'm leaving. “I’ll see y'all at the house,” I tell him. He moves the truck and I get in mom’s car. I decide not to leave until some douche bag can’t back his truck in makes John move again. I drive off. I decide at the last moment to go to Home Depot and buy a tarp and bungee cords instead of going home. I call John and let him know so he can tell mother. I go back to the dock as John comes out the door. “They have the love seat wrapped in plastic and are wrapping the sofa,” he tells me. “As soon as that Yukon moves we’re next.” The Yukon moves and he backs Fifi to the dock. They load the stuff and dock lady asks if I'll sign for it. I take the clipboard and am just about to write “Eat a bag of dicks!” on it when I hand it back to her. “You’d better get her to sign it,” I say pointing to the cab of the truck. We take the stuff home and unload it into the room. It is way bigger than she thought and it eats up all the space we had up until now. It has been almost four days now and I still refuse to sit on them. Perhaps my hatred for Ashley Furniture, who can still eat a bag of dicks for all I care, will wane someday but right now that furniture pisses me off every time I look at it. So, if you like taking it up the ass for furniture, feel free to shop at Ashley Furniture. [ That's a damn good sales slogan... - SM ] As far as I'm concerned, Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks. I sure hope this pops up on every search engine for people looking for furniture, or Ashley Furniture so more people will know that, say it with me, Ashley Furniture can eat a bag of dicks! [ You'll probably see more Google hits from the words "eat dicks"... - SM ]