12/11/07

I didn’t sleep worth a crap last night. Here’s why. I got home yesterday to find mom sitting on the front porch next to a toilet. She said, “Come on in and see the mess.” I could hear a fan of some sort running in the garage as I approached. When she opened the front door, THE NOISE BECAME MUCH LOUDER. MARIO WAS IN THE DEN TALKING ON THE PHONE AND THERE WERE OBVIOUSLY SOME BIG FANS UPSTAIRS. I WENT UP TO INVESTIGATE AND, SURE ENOUGH, THERE WERE TWO INDUSTRIAL FANS IN THE BATHROOM, ONE IN THE HALL, AND ONE IN MY ROOM ALL BLOWING AWAY FURIOUSLY AT THE WALLS. THERE WAS ALSO SOME SORT OF DE-HUMIDIFYING THING IN MY ROOM. THE DIN WAS RIDICULOUS. I CAME BACK DOWN THE STAIRS AND ASKED WHERE THE CAT WAS. THE LOOK ON MOM'S FACE TOLD ME SHE HADN’T GIVEN IT A MOMENT’S THOUGHT AND SHE CONFIRMED IT BY SAYING, “I HAVEN’T SEEN HER ALL DAY.” WELL, I KNEW SHE WAS HIDING SOMEWHERE AND WOULDN’T COME OUT AS LONG AS THE FANS WERE ON BUT DECIDED TO WAIT UNTIL MARIO HAD LEFT BEFORE TURNING THEM OFF. MARIO NEEDED TO GO TO SUTHERLAND’S AGAIN FOR SOME TOILET BOLTS SO I WENT WITH HIM. We hopped in Fifi and headed out. He had finished with my sink but had removed my toilet, which was the one on the porch with mom, now he needed new bolts to install the new Handi-crapper. At Sutherland’s I decided on a toilet seat and we found the bolts. Our new girlfriend was working and asked how we were doing. Oh, did I mention the girl at the counter giving us grief on Saturday for having to come back over and over again? Well, she did. Anyhoo, we bought the stuff and headed back. ONCE INSIDE, MARIO GETS ON THE PHONE AGAIN WHILE MOM AND I DISCUSS DINNER PLANS. WE DECIDE ON TEXAS GRILL. MARIO FINISHES WITH HIS PHONE CALL AND MOM INVITES HIM TO JOIN US FOR DINNER. HE DECLINES. NOW HERE’S THE PART THAT BEGAN TO ANNOY ME, HE SAID, “IF Y'ALL ARE GOING TO GO EAT I'LL GO AHEAD AND CUT OUT AS WELL.” OF COURSE THAT MEANS I'M CRAPPERLESS FOR THE EVENING. I DON’T SAY ANYTHING. HE DOES LEAVE AND MOM AND I head out for dinner. We eat our dinners and fortunately she doesn’t ask why I'm being so quiet. I don’t want to tell her I'm annoyed about the toilet and the fans and stuff. We discuss shutting off the fans at midnight so we can get some sleep and I mention the fact that my room is totally filled with the things. I tell her I am going to shut them down at least long enough to find the cat. WE GET BACK HOME AND I START SHUTTING OFF FANS. With them all off, we begin searching for my poor, traumatized cat. She’s hiding under a day bed in the guest room. There is no telling how long she’d been there but she would never have braved passing those noisy assed fans to get to food, water, or a pooper. I was a bit annoyed but what could I have done? We all three relax for a bit and watch some TV, the cat and I downstairs, mom in her room. After a while, mom says she thinks we should turn the fans back on since the insurance company wants all the stuff dried. I TURN THE FANS BACK ON AND CRANK UP THE VOLUME ON THE TV. I'M NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT THE CAT NOW SINCE SHE CAN GET TO LOTS OF HIDING PLACES WITHOUT GOING NEAR ANY FANS. SHE HOPS BACK INTO MY LAP FOR A WHILE AND WE WATCH SOME MORE TV. ABOUT 2230 H, MOM COMES DOWN TO ASK IF I’M GOING TO BE ABLE TO USE MY ROOM OR IF I’M GOING TO SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS. I LAUGH AND SAY I WAS CONSIDERING THE LATTER. I ASK IF SHE’S GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE NOISE AND AM TOLD SHE’S ALREADY NAPPED THROUGH IT ONCE THAT EVENING. SHE GOES TO BED AND I CHANNEL SURF A LITTLE LONGER. FINALLY I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND SHUT OFF LIGHTS. I LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR WITH A BLANKET AND PILLOW UNTIL THE CAT TURNS ON THE MOTION SENSOR LIGHT DOWNSTAIRS. “OH, THAT AIN’T GONNA TO FLY,” I SAY TO MYSELF. I GO DOWN AND SHUT OFF THE LIGHT THEN DECIDED TO GIVE THE NEW COUCH A TRY. IT IS A TAD TOO SHORT BUT IT WORKS FOR A LITTLE WHILE. THE CAT CURLS UP ON TOP OF ME, MAINLY BECAUSE SHE LIKES THE BLANKET I’M USING, AND MY TEMPERATURE BEGINS TO RISE DUE TO (TEE HEE, I SAID DOO-DOO!) THE FACT THAT CATS HAVE A HIGHER BODY TEMPERATURE THAN HUMANS. WELL, THAT AND THE MICRO-FIBER COUCH IS HOT AS HELL TOO. I GIVE UP AND MOVE TO MY CHAIR. I SLEEP THERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE THEN MOVE TO THE FLOOR AGAIN. BEFORE LONG I’M COLD AND GO SEE IF THE CAT IS STILL CURLED UP IN THE BLANKET ON THE COUCH. SHE ISN'T SO I GRAB IT AND HIT THE FLOOR AGAIN. THAT WORKS FOR A WHILE THEN I TRY THE COUCH AGAIN. EVENTUALLY IT IS MORNING SO I GET UP. MY THINKING IS I’LL TAKE A QUICK SHOWER, DRESS, AND COME TO WORK BEFORE I HAVE TO TAKE A MORNING CRAP SO I WON’T HAVE TO USE MOM’S CRAPPER OR THE ONE DOWNSTAIRS WHICH IS PRONE TO BACKING UP IF OVERLOADED, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I TAKE MY SHOWER AND DRESS, BUT WHILE INSERTING MY EYES AND SHAVING MY TEETH, I’M CALLED IN FOR A BOMBING MISSION OF THE PORCELAIN WORKS. I GIVE A MID-CRAP CLEARING FLUSH JUST TO BE SAFE, THEN FLUSH TWICE WHILE DOING THE FOLLOW UP PAPERWORK. I HAVE A LITTLE BREAKFAST AND head in to work. The insurance folks are supposed to check the dryness of the floors and stuff this afternoon so hopefully they will get all those fans out today. If not I will probably sleep on the floor/couch/chair again tonight. Well, that’s about all I have in me for today. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow.