6/26/08

I was going to say, “I'm sorry I haven’t had anything to say to y'all in the last few days,” but it would have been a lie. I'm not sorry, I'm totally indifferent. I was also going to tell y'all what I've been working on to keep me away from the rant but I don’t feel like it now. Not that it was anything all that monumental, although it would be sort of like a monument if I went through with it, I just… I don’t know. Ok, so I'll tell you. I've been drawing up house plans again. I like this one almost as much as the 9,500 square foot monstrosity I designed for myself a few years back. Yeah, that one was a tad big for me and a cat, but it was damned cool! This one is considerably smaller and more suited to my “needs.” I'll say this; it would be a great party house. Dinner parties, cocktail parties, movie parties, you name it, this place is well suited. Of course it would require hiring a serving staff but I guess that is what caterers are for. Ok, one last thing about the house and I'll move on. In all of my house plans, I incorporate a two-story library with a spiral staircase and a balcony of sorts on the upper level. Well I was looking at this particular library and decided to enlarge one end of the balcony to make an office upstairs. I didn’t put the office downstairs because that is where the giant flat-screen TV is. Anyhoo, when I did the expansion, I realized I needed to support the upper floor with a column, or a pole! As I was looking at the downstairs area, with the big leather sing-back chairs in a circle around this feature, I realized what I had was, in fact, a stripper pole! Woo hoo! I also realized I needed a low table in about that same area of the room so I drew in a coffee table/dance stage around the pole. Oh yeah, my library/home theater could also be a strip club! Boom chicka wow wow! Ok, moving on now we tell the story of Barbara. Kevin and, um, his daughter’s boy friend, whatever his name is, came to the shop again last night to replace the accelerator pump in the carburetor. We got the top off of the carburetor and the old pump out. The new pump was different. We tried it anyway. When we had it all back together, I hit the throat with some ether and Kevin cranked it up. As soon as it fired and the fuel pump caught up, gasoline began to gush out of the accelerator pump’s dust boot. I had him shut it down and we took a look. I don’t think we actually did anything so when we tried again, and it shot fuel out again, we shouldn’t have been surprised. I think we were though. Kooky. We thought about it for a while and tried to think where we could find a Weber DGV. I knew there was a brand spanking new 32/36 on John’s Toyota, but didn’t want to say anything. I knew Kevin wouldn’t have suggested stealing it, but Juan never knows. I thought to myself, “If I ‘gave’ them the DGV off of Mr. Wiggly, it would force me to install the Offenhauser four-barrel manifold with either the Holley 390 carburetor or a pair of DCOEs!” I half-ass suggested that there was a 32/36 on that vehicle but Kevin didn’t want me to disable Mr. Wiggly. We continued with the head scratching. “Where,” thought I, “can we find an A-series Hitachi carburetor right quick?” Suddenly it hit me, Herman has a carburetor still. Of course I totally forgot about Gigi’s engine sitting under the bench which would probably have been an easier removal. Anyhoo, we went around back and had a look at Herman. There sure was a hell of a lot less smog crap on that carburetor. We decided to give it a bash. Kevin got to work removing the carburetor from Herman while, um, the other dude and I got cracking on Barbara’s carburetor. Of course there is one nut which cannot be reached with an unmolested wrench. I took a cheap 10mm to the vice and hit it with the oxy-acetylene torch for a few seconds. I gave it a push and it bent to a nice angle. I handed it to the dude and said, “Cool this under the faucet outside.” I kind of hoped he’d hold it by the cool end and just stick the hot end under the flowing water. Usually when you do that the heat rushed away from the cold water right through the part to your hand. While I was shutting down the torches I was listening for the “Yipe!” It never came so I assume he didn’t get a hot finger. Dang, so much for that practical joke. We took the newly bent wrench to the car and gave it a try. I could get it on the nut but it wouldn’t turn. I decided that the bend was the wrong way. I reheated and bent it back the other way. I tried again for a quench burn but it still didn’t get him. Oh well. We tried it again on the carburetor but no luck. Finally he removed the offending bracket and we got the nut off. Kevin and I cleaned up the gasket surfaces and they got to work installing the “new” carburetor. The sun was setting so I took it upon myself to finally adjust the headlights on Darth Versa. I guess I need a new name for that car now that it is a Renault Clio instead of a Nissan Versa. Anyhoo, I took a long Phillip’s head screwdriver and fished around in the holes feeling for the adjuster. It was no use, I needed light. Kevin had a flashlight so I found the spot and started turning the screwdriver. The beams moved ever so slightly. I cranked and cranked on the thing until we decided that they had moved all they were going to. They were still way to friggin’ low. I was not happy. I walked away for a bit and watched them fiddle with installing their carburetor. Something told me to try again. I turned the car around and pointed it at the wall then reapplied the screwdriver. This time I just kept turning. Before long I noticed that the line of sheet metal screws in the side of the building, the ones which were dark when I started, were in the beams now. I kept cranking on the screwdriver and could actually see the beams moving up. Ok, so it was like when you watch a shadow of the sun creep across a picnic table in the middle of a summer day, but it was moving ever so slowly. I must have cranked, and this is no exaggeration, 200 turns into the thing. When I had the driver's side beam up to the point that the bottom of the projection was at the bottom of the wall, I moved on to the passenger side. I started cranking. For the longest time it appeared as though nothing was happening and all of a sudden, the line of screws appeared! I adjusted this side up so that the dip in the beam was even with the top of the driver's side beam and quit. This one must have taken 250 to 300 turns. My wrists were killing me. I was worried that my internet surfing might suffer later on in the evening. Wait, ignore that last bit. When I had the beams where I thought I wanted them, I turned the car around and pointed it at Kevin’s car. The low beam dipped just below his windshield which was what I was looking for. I was happy. Oh, at some point while I was adjusting, they got the carburetor on and hooked up. The car fired with a shot of ether and once the fuel pump caught up it idled perfectly. Kevin hit the gas and she revved right up. It sounded good! They hopped in and drove around the building a couple times. The car still has no brakes and only marginal clutch, but they still haven’t been totally bled. I’m kind of jealous now seeing the thing “on the road” again. Oh well, what are you going to do? Well, I'm going to call it a rant and go have lunch. Talk to y'all tomorrow.