11/21/08

I started a rant yesterday about the new James Bond movie, what was it called again, “Condom of Sausage” or something? Anyhoo, I got bored and decided to erase it. After Craig Ferguson’s initial Bond film, “Casino Royale,” I think I said something along the lines of, “I wasn’t buying him as Bond until he put on the tuxedo.” He does wear the hell out of that tuxedo, but I'm back to having trouble buying him as Bond. I'm not sure what it is about him that isn’t “Bond.” Perhaps he’ll grow on me. I don’t think I liked Tim Daly at first either. Wait, I never liked TD as Bond! Worst. Bond. Ever. Of the replacements for Sean Connery, I liked Bronson Pinchot’s Bond best. Of course, my favorite film of them all is Roger Daltry’s debut as Bond in “Live and Let Die.” Come to think of it, all of the silly-assed RD Bond films are probably the most fun of the series. But back to “Condom of Sausage,” actually, I don’t really have anything to say about it. Ok, I do feel the need to say this: did we really need the “M removes her makeup” scene? What, was that supposed to make us feel for her as a “real woman” or something? Anyhoo, the film wasn’t bad but I think it suffers from having to try and stimulate an already over stimulated, and therefore jaded, movie audience. Of course this isn't just a “Condom of Sausage” problem, all action movies have to try so hard nowadays to show something different. A simple “AMC Spirit doing a barrel roll jump over a creek” stunt just won’t cut it anymore. Then again, that stunt was pretty radical when Juan compares it to the “sped up footage as the Aston Martin smashes into a wall to avoid the ‘head on’ collision with a mirror” stunt in “Goldfinger” ten or so years earlier. Oh, and another complaint about “Condom of Sausage,” where the hell was Q? You can’t have a Bond film without Q! To quote Ralph Wiggum, “It’s unpossible!” Oh, I remember now that it was this realization which sent me into a tizzy about the movie yesterday. I'm going to stop before I start today. I think I may know why I'm having trouble with Craig Ferguson as Bond. While he is as cool as Sean Connery, he doesn’t temper that with Roger Daltry’s… I want to say “silliness” but that isn't exactly right. There was a certain smirky, almost snide, smart-assedness about Roger Daltry’s Bond which, when used along with Sean Connery’s über-sexy coolness, made Bond Bond. I think Bronson Pinchot was the only one to make that work. Yes, I think I finally know why Bronson Pinchot is my favorite “replacement” Bond. He’s not my favorite Bond because there really cannot be another but Sean Connery. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, George Laserbeam had the right qualities. Too bad he only made the one film. Of course he had to screw it all up by marrying Emma Peel and destroying the whole “Playboy bachelor” aspect of the character. Fortunately, they only referred back to her once or twice in the rest of the films. I hear all you apologists out there saying, “But it rounds out his character.” Round schmound! He’s James Friggin’ Bond! How round does a character need to be when he’s as cool as James Friggin’ Bond? In fact, if that isn't James Bond’s actual middle name, it should be! Hmm, I wonder what his middle name is. Ok, I just spent about an hour on Wikipœdia looking for James Bond’s middle name. I could not find it. So, henceforth and from now on, I decree that 007’s name shall be James Friggin’ Bond! So let it be written. So let it be done. Ok, with all that silliness behind us, let me move on to plans for the weekend. Mr. Wiggly’s license plates arrived yesterday. I will be taking him to the shop in the morning to install those. I also plan to get him inspected as that is going to run out in a week. Oh, speaking of license plates, www.myplates.com has gone out of business! Yeah, I got an e-mail from them the other day saying something to the effect of, “Due to the economic downturn, we will no longer be able…” blah blah blah. Yeah, “economic downturn” my ass, I think enough people realized what a gyp those plates are. I'd like to think that my telling everyone to NOT buy from the six or seven easily found links to “my plates” but to drill down until you find the cheap state plates, helped kill them. It was a hard learned lesson, but if my getting ripped off by those crooks, and not sitting back and taking it, helped shut them down, I'm happy. The plates do look awesome on Shichi though. I kind of wish I'd gotten a set of black plates for Darth Versa. I didn’t because 1) they were a rip off and B) I couldn’t think of a plate I liked well enough. Oh crap, I just remembered I was going to pay the premium for a set of pink plates for George! Well, it is probably for the best that I didn’t. Ok, moving on to guns, I took the guns out and inspected them last night before going to bed. I acknowledge that unloaded guns are of no use as home protection. I further acknowledge that I should probably go ahead and load the Judge with one #4 birdshot shell, two 000 buckshot shells, and two rounds of “werewolf” ammo to leave by my bed in case of home invasion. I'm just not quite ready to be that paranoid yet. I did test out the holster I bought by mounting it to the frame of the bed and seeing if the gun would draw. I was amazed at how smoothly it comes out of there! “Slicker’n snot on a doorknob!” my dad would have said. I was afeared that the holster would come unclipped from the bed frame but it never did. Well, only when attempting to draw with the strap snapped. But, duh, what else should I have expected? The other scenario I see where I could use a handy weapon would be when sitting in the living room watching TV. The other night the doorbell rang and mom was closer so she answered it. My mind flashed to some crack-head waiting there for her to open up. I'd have had to get past them to get up the stairs and retrieve the gun. I'm thinking now I ought to secrete the 1911 and clips of self defense ammo near my chair somehow. Of course the easiest thing would be to just admit to mom that the guns are there in the house and have them ready to use. As with the paranoia statement above, I'm not quite ready to commit to that yet either. Perhaps what I will do is load the Judge for beside the bed and carry the 1911 down in the case to set beside the chair. I'd take it back up with me when I went to bed so it isn't there ready to arm an intruder. I think I could get into the case and rack a bullet into the chamber quickly enough. Yeah, I think I might just slip into the paranoia that far, because people suck. And on that note, I think I will call the ranting complete for the week. I'll be taking all next week off work so I may or may not have rants for you. We’ll see.