3/24/10

OK, remember how I “promised” to review the movies “Screamers” and “Screamers: The Hunting” later on in the week? Well, I'm not going to. They just are not worth the effort. Oh sure, Peter “Buckaroo Banzai” Weller is in the first movie, but his cool factor can only overcome so much. I mean come on, he’s no Bruce Campbell after all. Seriously, is there anyone cooler than Bruce Campbell? He is the best part of “Burn Notice” on the USA Network. But I digress. Holy crap, I just tried to go ahead and review the films. The premise is so bad, then so poorly executed, that I just can not do it. I'm left speechless at just how stupid... nay, the only word for it is “retarded,” these movies are. I'll try again. OK, I still can't do it. Here is the Reader’s Disgust Convinced Virgin of the franchise. Revolt on a mining planet leads to creation of robotic defense thingies, the eponymous “Screamers.” “Good guys” have “tags” which fool them into not attacking anyone wearing said “tag.” “Screamers” are designed to be self replicating, for some reason. They evolve. Everyone but “Robocop” dies because the “Screamers” have human replica models now. Movie two, which the Sci-Fi channel showed first for some reason, has a rescue mission coming to said mining planet. It is assumed that no one is alive because of Buckaroo Banzai’s report just before he blows up his own ship in Earth re-entry, but there is this pesky distress call. Of course, everyone dies except the heroine, who turns out to be Robocop’s daughter of course, and some random dude they met on planet. When these two wake up as they approach Earth, she’s pregnant with his baby. Now, do I really need to tell you the next part? Yep, he and the baby are “Screamers.” Now, if all that sounds bad from my description, trust me, they were worse full length. Put them in your Netflix queue and check them out for yourself! Well, I think I've just about had as much fun as I'm going to have here. I'll talk to y'all again tomorrow.