11/5/2012

Ok, I may have mentioned that I have been re-reading old rants and that I was a lot funnier back then.  Well, I just re-read a bit from November 2008 and HAD to share it with y'all again.  Don’t worry, I'll tell y'all about this last weekend tomorrow.  So, without further ado, here is a bit from November 2008: “I started a rant yesterday about the new James Bond movie, what was it called again, “Condom of Sausage” or something?  Anyhoo, I got bored and decided to erase it.  After Craig Ferguson’s initial Bond film, “Casino Royale,” I think I said something along the lines of, “I wasn’t buying him as Bond until he put on the tuxedo.”  He does wear the hell out of that tuxedo, but I'm back to having trouble buying him as Bond.  I'm not sure what it is about him that isn’t “Bond.”  Perhaps he’ll grow on me.  I don’t think I liked Tim Daly at first either.  Wait, I never liked TD as Bond!  Worst.  Bond.  Ever.  Of the replacements for Sean Connery, I liked Bronson Pinchot’s Bond best.  Of course, my favorite film of them all is Roger Daltry’s debut as Bond in “Live and Let Die.”  Come to think of it, all of the silly-assed RD Bond films are probably the most fun of the series.  But back to “Condom of Sausage,” actually, I don’t really have anything to say about it.  Ok, I do feel the need to say this: did we really need the “M removes her makeup” scene?  What, was that supposed to make us feel for her as a “real woman” or something?  Anyhoo, the film wasn’t bad but I think it suffers from having to try and stimulate an already over stimulated, and therefore jaded, movie audience.  Of course this isn't just a “Condom of Sausage” problem, all action movies have to try so hard nowadays to show something different.  A simple “AMC Spirit doing a barrel roll jump over a creek” stunt just won’t cut it anymore.  Then again, that stunt was pretty radical when Juan compares it to the “sped up footage as the Aston Martin smashes into a wall to avoid the ‘head on’ collision with a mirror” stunt in “Goldfinger” ten or so years earlier.  Oh, and another complaint about “Condom of Sausage,” where the hell was Q?  You can’t have a Bond film without Q!  To quote Ralph Wiggum, “It’s unpossible!”  Oh, I remember now that it was this realization which sent me into a tizzy about the movie yesterday.  I'm going to stop before I start today.  I think I may know why I'm having trouble with Craig Ferguson as Bond.  While he is as cool as Sean Connery, he doesn’t temper that with Roger Daltry’s… I want to say “silliness” but that isn't exactly right.  There was a certain smirky, almost snide, smart-assedness about Roger Daltry’s Bond which, when used along with Sean Connery’s über-sexy coolness, made Bond Bond.  I think Bronson Pinchot was the only one to make that work.  Yes, I think I finally know why Bronson Pinchot is my favorite “replacement” Bond.  He’s not my favorite Bond because there really cannot be another but Sean Connery.  Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, George Laserbeam had the right qualities.  Too bad he only made the one film.  Of course he had to screw it all up by marrying Emma Peel and destroying the whole “Playboy bachelor” aspect of the character.  Fortunately, they only referred back to her once or twice in the rest of the films.  I hear all you apologists out there saying, “But it rounds out his character.”  Round schmound!  He’s James Friggin’ Bond!  How round does a character need to be when he’s as cool as James Friggin’ Bond?  In fact, if that isn't James Bond’s actual middle name, it should be!  Hmm, I wonder what his middle name is.  Ok, I just spent about an hour on Wikipœdia looking for James Bond’s middle name.  I could not find it.  So, henceforth and from now on, I decree that 007’s name shall be James Friggin’ Bond!  So let it be written.  So let it be done.”  And there you have it.  I hope y'all enjoyed it as much as I did.