11/11/11

Woo hoo! 11/11/11! The intergoogles are going to be atwitter with bullshit like, “This date only come around every 437 years,” and the like. Seriously, I do not understand where these people get their information. I, of course, just make shit up from time to time. What are they going to do, take my birthday away? Oh, speaking of trolling, my favorite trolling T-shirt out now has a picture of Patrick Stewart next to the quote: “Use the force, Harry!” –Gandalf. It cracks me right the hell up every time I see it. Usually the trolling shirts have two mismatched items in it (for example, “The problem with internet quotes is the difficulty in verifying their authenticity” –Abraham Lincoln), but to get a four in one is pure genius! I love it. When I first saw it on the intergoogles, one of the comments almost made me pee myself. Some chick piped in, “Oh man! ‘Stargate’ was one of my favorite shows!” She got it and added another layer to the trolling. I wanted to seek her out and marry her. Ok, not really. Especially since, if she even was a chick, she’d probably look like… well, an intergoogle troll in female form. Ok, so enough intergoogle bashing. I've been “worried” the last few days about Fiona. You see, my memory of that Altima Coupe I drove a couple years ago, and mom’s Altima for that matter, is that they seemed to be faster. I can't help but feel like there’s something amiss… or even a mister. I began to wonder if I might be locked into some sort of “Valet Mode” or something. For that matter, I thought maybe I've been using the “Valet Key” this whole time. By the way, no I have not tried the other key to test that theory, shut up. I posed the question to John and he said he thought he felt a difference the time he drove mom’s car. His suggestion was to a) drive another Genesis Coupe back to back with mine, or 2) ask the dealer about a “Valet Mode.” I took those under advisement. Well, I may have been worrying over nothing. Apparently I've been driving like a pussy. This morning I discovered just how stupid fast this car is. Well, actually there were a couple incidents the other day but I'll tell that story in a moment. This morning I was tooling along in the fast lane behind another car. We were both stuck behind an even slower car doing probably sixty or so. When “Slow Poke Rodriguez” moved over, the other car began to accelerate. I began rolling into the throttle as well. That car then moved over so I said, “What the fuck,” and rolled into it a bit more. I zipped past both of them and began thinking about shifting over for my upcoming exit. I glanced down and was just about to pass 100 miles per hour! I had to look at the shifter to make sure I hadn’t done another fifth-gear blat. See, I'd done a pretty impressive throttle roll-on in fifth the other day and was quite impressed. The other incident was when I pulled away from the Tim-Off yield going from Mk IV Parkway onto the Loop 820 access road and romped on the gas to get ahead of two slower cars. As I hurdled through the sweeper towards the entrance ramp, I noticed the G-forces building more than expected. As the road straightened, and I could divert some attention from driving, I looked at the speedo to see that I was going to have to shed some forty miles per hour to slow down to sixty for the merge onto the freeway. Go ahead, do the math. I'll wait. Right, yet another one hundred mile per hour blat… and Fiona wasn’t even breathing heavy! I sent John a text this morning saying, “Never mind. This car is STUPID fast.” It was then that I decided I must be driving like a puss. Now, does this mean I'm going to start flogging Fiona? I don’t think so. I mean, she outperforms Ms. Clio when I am driving like a pussy, and Ms. Clio was an adequate performer for daily driving duties (tee hee, I said "doodies!"), so I think I'll continue to “putt along” like grandma but know that the balls are there in reserve. Besides, NOT driving like a douche will keep the insurance rates lower. Of course the problem is I hate people so much that the “Red Mist” does overtake me from time to time when some ass-hat is driving like a total fuck-nut. In fact, it was partially an ass-hat which caused the hoon this morning. See, behind me was a truck coming up fast when the second car moved over. Said truck began to move over two lanes to pass all of us on the right. That was what inspired the “What the fuck” this morning. It wasn’t actually so much a “What the fuck,” as an “Oh no you don’t.” Did I mention Fiona is stupid fast? Oh right, that was the whole point of this part of the rant. The only other times I can remember a car shooting up to the ton this quick for me were in a third generation RX-7 and the Chickenhawk. Perhaps I'll tell those stories some time. As for this week, I think I'm though ranting. I'll let y'all know how the weekend went Monday.